Thank goodness Mother’s Day came when it did. I mean, just in the nick of time for me. There’s nothing like some TLC on Mother’s Day to help refresh and renew your love and commitment to your little people. Especially at the end of a week, where I haven’t felt like the best mom. I wouldn’t have this life any other way, but I’ve been in a bit of a bad space lately about time going by, kids growing up and the attitudes, oh my! I’m so thankful for this life of mine and each of my three babies. They really do complete my life, but let’s be honest here, motherhood is not a smooth journey. It’s amazing and fun, full of moments of joy and pride, but it is also comes with tough days which sometimes turn into rough seasons like the one i’ve been walking in recently.
I miss my kids when they were little. I said it. I’ve been in a bit of mourning over it actually. I find myself thinking, Will this part ever get easier? Will I miss those early years this much when they are in high school, college, or parents themselves? I’ve been thinking about this a lot this past year. About how my role as a mother has changed and my relationships with each of my kids is changing. And the truth is, I’m not so sure how I feel about it. It may just be I miss the mother I was when my kids were little, less hurried and softer, where holding hands reigned and sighs were few.
Sure there are lots of upsides to not having infants or toddlers in the house anymore. I haven’t changed a diaper in years, we can pretty much expect a good night sleep on any given day, and I can’t remember the last carseat I wrangled someone into. BUT, I yearn for the days when life moved more slowly. When I would drink up the smell of my new babies necks, or take long walks to playgrounds and have adorable quote worthy conversations with my littles about the world just between us. When a trip to Target and a little bag of teddy grahams was all we needed for a good time. When Saturday and Sunday mornings were lazy and free and we could stay in our pjs, play in the yard, or go for a bike ride at any given moment. We had family nap time and family dinners regularly and endless hours at parks with friends.
I was out the other day running around alone (as I do now that all my kids are in school) when I came across two different women in very different stages of their lives. The first was a young mom with a 2 year old sitting in the front of shopping cart and an infant in a carseat carrier in the large part of the cart. I was alone. Trust me, there were plenty of days when I was in her shoes when I wished I were alone! But that day, and many days recently, I’ve been wishing I had a little one in my cart playing eye spy or singing their latest and greatest for me as I shop. I could not have explained this to myself 5 years ago. I wouldn’t have listen or understood. If I had the chance to know how much I’d miss those sweet days back then would anything have changed? I doubt it honestly. Moms get tired, no matter how much they intend to seize each day. I wanted to be the mom that gave yet ‘one more snuggle’ but some nights, I just couldn’t.
The second was an older woman perhaps in her early 80s. She was helping her husband who was walking slowly alongside her with a cane and clogging up the aisle. I felt myself beginning to grow impatient inside when she looked at me and I looked at her and for a split moment, I could see myself in her and saw her in me. She was once me, just as I was once the young mom of an infant. She recognized the sense of haste when finishing up that one last errand before the school bell rings. She remembered what it was like to run through long lists to be sure uniforms were clean, forms filled, lunches made, appointments cancelled, broken hearts mended. I’m sure to her, it seems like yesterday just as the birth of my first born does to me. And I ask myself, will this part of motherhood ever get easier?
This is such a wonderful, thought-provoking post. Thank you for sharing your personal struggle…no doubt many moms can relate. I certainly understand. I think we all go through different seasons of motherhood—times we feel at ease and times of great unease. I’m sorry you’re in a not-so-great part, it’s a tough place to be when your heart and soul feel like they’re on the line. But do know, you’re certainly not alone.
Thank you Amy! Mostly I feel like I just want everything to slow the heck down! xx
Love these thoughts – making me cry and want to snuggle my crazy toddler a little tighter. I think moving slowly as the kids get older takes great intention and that’s what’s so inspiring about you and the simple proof. But – if you’re craving a baby fix, we can always go to target together sometime. 🙂
I would love that Di! xx
Just found your website from your 5 Things on Hither and Thither and I have been devouring it. Thank you!
This post really hits me. My kids just turned 1 and 4 and I already spend more time than I should thinking about them growing up too fast. Yes, a good nights sleep would be great, but when I thought about motherhood when I was growing up, this stage that I am in right now, is what I thought about and looked forward to. And while I learned with my son, that each stage has it’s greatness, and, at the time, didn’t miss the one he just grew out of, I was gobbersmacked when all of a sudden he was 4 and I realized he was not a baby anymore. With the pregnancy of my second child and dealing with her as an infant it felt like I had missed him being 2 and 3 years old.
In addition, my mother-in-law just lost her daughter to cancer and spent the last 8 years, on and off, taking care of her as it came and went. So, beyond the knowledge that we are all getting older, and there are so many stages of motherhood as we age, is the realization that you can go through all the stages of motherhood, the good and they bad, and then still be a mother, but without the child to still poor your love and hope into.
It is depressing. But, it is life, I am trying to lean into it things more, so I can really appreciate the good and be better about being in the moment. I don’t think I ever really understood that in order to know the greatest joys of life you were opening the door for the potential to the greatest pains in life, too, until I had kids.